Expecting & Finding Unconditional Love
I remember the day I found out I was expecting. Well, I actually found out about my pregnancy in two different occasions.
My mom was visiting from the Dominican Republic and was staying at my place. On February 27th, she overheard me complaining about how cold it was in the apartment. I kept complaining about the Super never turning on the boiler and how irresponsible he was. I felt really upset. She looked at me and said " Para mi que tu esta embarazada". ("I have a feeling that you're pregnant.")
These moments happened a lot between my mother and I. She has always been very intuitive. I, as always, brushed it off and told her she was crazy. I went into my room that night and looked at myself in the mirror. I noticed that my breasts were huge, like really huge! I just thought to myself "Its going to be that time of the month soon, stop overthinking".
I woke up the next day still thinking about what my mother had told me, my breasts and how extremely emotional I was over the heat not being on. I took a trip to Rite-Aid and bought two pregnancy tests. This was the first time I had experienced an anxiety attack. I was inside of my bathroom. My parents and sisters were a few steps away, in the kitchen. My mind was racing. My thoughts were attacking me while I was trying to understand what was going on. This wasn’t something my boyfriend an I were planning. We were still so fresh and new in our relationship. We were enjoying our honey moon stage.
The first thing I said out loud was "You are definitely not ready for this. Not right now". Those thoughts scared me because, at that moment, I knew there was only one solution to what I thought was a gigantic disaster.
My boyfriend, player in his basketball college team, had a really important game on this day. I had no idea what I was going to say or how I was going to say it. All I knew was that I wanted him to be the first person I told and for it to happen after his game. We sat in his dorm room and I told him how I felt, what I thought was the right thing to do, and what my decision was. I couldn't look him in the eye. I knew I would break down and cry the moment I could find the courage to let the words escape my mouth. As we spent hours speaking on the what ifs, and the hows and the what nows, we genuinely made the decision to keep the baby. This is when life changed.
I always thought I knew unconditional love; Love as a whole. I spoke about love and the way trees danced in the spring. I mean I knew you could love someone in infinite ways, for infinite reasons. But I never knew unconditional love. I held my son for the first time and I swear I can't remember anyone else in the room. I remember looking at this little human, this life, this part of me in my hands, staring at me. I was scared, happy, excited, exhausted, thrilled, grateful, I was EVERYTHING. I was a mom. The room was quiet and still. It was just me and Noel. My life had changed at that moment.
Being a woman is a phenomenal thing. We are able to nurture our children, care for them, build with them before we get to see them and hold them. Being a woman is so badass, but being an outstanding mother, well that just takes the crown. I've seen myself become this person that knows no limits, no boundaries, no fear to do whatever it is i need to do to become a better me. It's fascinating to see how one human can give me life so much meaning. .
Spending time with Noel and creating memories is my favorite part of everyday. There's not a day that goes by that my son doesn’t bring joy and light to my life. Ive never experienced this much growth before. I know what patience is. I know how to take deep breathes and give myself time. I am so grateful for Noel in ways that I can't put into words.
The words I can say will be this. Being a mother is something that I am learning to do as I live. I'm learning to love myself each day enough to love Noel. I'm learning to protect myself enough to protect him and our space.
Every single day that passes, I thank God that I am exactly where I am at the moment. I never want to stop. Stop working, stop learning, stop growing, stop loving, stop being me. I never want to give up on a life that was meant to be lived with Noel by my side. There is a love so strong between a mother and a child, it is so pure and powerful. You must nurture it in order for it to grow in infinite ways. I know that now, unconditional love.
I live without knowing. I love without thinking.
My name is Stacey and I am a Real Mujer.